Highlander

What’s it about?
The charisma-free Christopher Lambert, here playing the World’s Gayest Scotsman, is shocked to discover he’s an immortal being destined to fight other immortals in something called “The Game”. See, The Game happens during the end of time called The Gathering, during which the immortals left on earth will try to behead each other because they are compelled to by The Quickening*, and the last one left standing – you know, with the head still on – will get The Prize. Still doesn’t explain his accent, though.

Any chicks in the movie?
One of the perks of being an immortal is you get lots of time to work on your mojo, so Mr. Mopey Live-Forever Stupid Face get to sheath the ol’ claymore in a couple of comely lasses throughout the ages. His Middle Ages chick keeps the sheepskins on, but the modern-era forensic scientist with the inexpicably deep knowledge of ancient swords - if you know what I mean** - indulges in some blink-and-you’ll-miss-it nudity during the shockingly boring sex scene.

Awesomeness Factor?
Two beheadings out of five. I know Highlander has some weird cult following, but all I really remembered from the movie when I saw it back in the theatre originally was that Lambert, a Frenchman, plays a Scottish highlander while Sean Connery, an actual Scotsman, plays an Egyptian dressed for some reason like a Spaniard. Oh, and there’s some Queen songs. Seeing as the most basic and most sacred rule of Dude Movies is “Never watch anything with Christopher Lambert or Queen in it”, Highlander would seem by definition be the worst movie ever made because it has both, and sometimes at the same time. And yet, this movie has garnered a pretty big cult following, and quite frankly the first ten minutes or so*** had me convinced I misremebered Highlander as being worse than it actually was. But then, right at the ten minute and one second mark, those stupid but admittedly entertaining manic pop thrills pretty much get shot to hell. The weird non-chronological narrative mish-mash of barbarian fantasy and MTV-style action produces a tone as incoherent as the plot – so, why exactly are these guys fighting again? Director Russell Mulchahy’s idiot-savant ability to frame any given shot or transition well lives only to be sabotaged by his ham-fisted failure to string them together in any meaningful or entertaining way. And then there’s Christopher Lambert. Lambert is literally the worst screen actor in history who isn’t either a) an animal, b) retarded or c) a retarded animal. Seriously. What should be moments of pure badassery are transmuted by the Shitty Acting Transitive Property into 100% cheeseball gaywaditude, as Lambert lisps  ”Zere can bee own-lee whon” before shooting a quick pout at the camera. Dude, you’re not a Highlander. You’re Derek Zoolander.

Mitigated By?
If you have to watch Highlander because, I don’t know, you lost a bet or something, watch it for Clancy Brown, the leather-clad bad guy called The Krugan who’s supposed to be the most dangerous swordsman in history and yet somehow fails to kill Lambert like twelve times. Especially weird considering he kills Connery by basically knocking a fucking castle down on him.

* Duh.

** I mean swords.

*** Which go like this: Queen song. Titles.80s style wrestling match. Lambert is chased from the stadium, into the parking garage. SWORDFIGHT! Overhead fluroscent lights flicker like strobes because it’s 1986! HOLY SHIT LAMBERT JUST CUT THAT DUDE’S HEAD OFF! AND NOW ALL THE CARS WINDOWS ARE EXPLODING FOR NO REASON!!! Hey, my beer’s cashed.